"To Thine Own Self
Boy did I get an eye opener after writing about the Real Housewives of Atlanta's sex discussion episode. I received one email after another asking my opinion about various sex acts, how to say no, where to draw the line, etc.
Who knew that so many of you had concerns about what is being expected of you in bed, being ridiculed by friends for choosing not to have sex prior to marriage, or for not indulging in certain sex acts. Worse, feeling dirty, degraded and ashamed in an effort to please a man in bed or having to get sloppy drunk in order to engage in certain sex acts.
Then there were numerous women like myself who as one reader so eloquently stated, "I have been feeling like an out of touch prude because I am very discreet and very private and do not over share or over indulge".
Honestly, I had no idea that some men were now demanding certain sex acts from women. Or, that women were ridiculing each other for trying to uphold high moral values in the bedroom. I was aware that women were competing with and emulating strippers to pleasure men, but competing with and emulating porn actresses – I had no idea!!
In spite of being warned of the tragic repercussions of not screening men thoroughly before allowing them into your lives, many of you continue to chose men you are incompatible with hoping to change them, out of desperation, or worse, allowing your own values and morals to be compromised.
First and foremost, you must learn to love yourself enough to discard unsuitable and incompatible men once you discover anything about them that is beyond your comfort zones - sexual or otherwise. Basically ladies, we must stop getting involved with men we are not compatible with thinking we have some type of power to change them - because we don't!!! And, you must stop being so desperate to have a man you accept the type of relationships with them that you don't want, i.e. booty calls.
As discussed in a previous post, men who seek out prostitutes, and who are overly obsessed with pornographic material, etc. are not your "good guys", the type of guy you are looking to marry. They are in more cases than not "sex addicts". We were all created as sexual beings, all of us. However, like everything else, sex has its boundaries and a line can be crossed. Always keep in mind that love doesn't hurt, feel uncomfortable or compromise your values.
We were also created with a mechanism inside of us that distinguishes what is right and what is wrong. Thus, we instinctively know what's right and what's wrong. Even with husband's you must rely upon these gut instincts. Never do anything that triggers your alarm system.
Loving and/or pleasing your man or husband should never compromise your comfort zone, values or morals, all men can sometimes go off the deep end, even husbands. Kirk Franklin's wife Tammy, attested to this when she stated on Oprah that in the height of his porn addiction, he had her doing things sexually that left her feeling so dirty and degraded she lost respect for herself.
Keeping your needs at the forefront of your existence will help you to overcome any difficulty you may be experiencing in being true to yourself - as well as prevent you from loosing your own values and morals in relationships. You must stop allowing men to define who you are as a woman, a person and as a sexual being. When you allow this, you lose the ability to know, love, and nurture the woman you really are.
I realize that many of you have been brainwashed by society and have come to accept many lies as truths and for a very long time. Therefore, you aren't able to really determine the difference between a lie and a truth anymore. Again, you must let your conscious be your guide, it's that built in mechanism that GOD instilled in us when he made us. Our world is so warped and out of control, we can't rely upon anyone but ourselves to determine truths.
Recently, I discovered a lie that I had adopted as truth for most of my life. The lie - sex prior to marriage is OK. Consequently, sex prior to marriage is no longer an option for me. I have always known that it was wrong to engage in sex before marriage, but I chose to do it anyway once in love - because I wanted to and it was an accepted practice in society. At this stage in life, my conscious will no longer allow me to do it.
In answer to all of the questions that I received. I say to all of you - know yourself, love yourself, and to thine own self be true. Let your conscious and gut feelings be your guide in all matters, they will never fail you. Never be afraid to defend and stand solidly by your values no matter how unpopular they maybe. And, never allow anyone to compromise your moral values, not even a husband.
Also, keep in mind that boyfriends don't have any rights or entitlements whatsoever to you or your body. You are not obligated to do or give them anything. Many women have forgotten this, which has contributed to the dire disrespect, sense of entitlement and demands that unmarried men are making on women today.
Husbands and wives are obligated to one another by the covenant of marriage. After making love to your husband (or lover), you should feel like the luckiest girl alive. Satisfied, adored, cherished, revered and loved beyond measure. Never dirty, degraded, used and ashamed!